#JOBSUCKER : Family Horror in Green Arces

The band was down in Sydney receiving the Greenarces Gringo – that suburbs special award for contributions to the arts, when the horrifying news struck.

Alan ‘the KROC’ LYON who was down in Greenarce to be inducted for a lifetime of achievement on the reeds, later said he commended Ken’s quick thinking. A member of the band was immediately dispatched to interview the remaining members of a family experiencing first hand the horror of the drug trade worming it’s way into their street. The ramifications of this insidious scourge became clear on a windy Tuesday night when the family was innocently watching a DIY house renovation reality show on cable. Ken had just returned from the off-license. They didn’t drink on Mondays. We spoke to Ken who first noticed the irregularities on that fateful evening. Ken what did you see. ( LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW – RE-LIVE THE HORROR )


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“Really it started in the arvo when I was washing the Ford.”

“What started Ken?”

“Someone threw a quantity of acid over the high fence, all over the 2 sprogs who were playing catch-a-mullet in the backyard. Quick action saw them thrown into the above ground. It was lucky.” “How are the kids fairing now?”

“They’re in Black-town General. They ingested moldy water and are in intensive care.”

“What happened next Ken?”

“We returned from the hospital to watch – NAIL GUN RENOS – when the main event took place. We could hear through the brickwork a massive argument fired up.”

“What happened next Ken?”

“We believe it started over a set of runners. Then a guy, super hairy looking ran from the building with below the elbow missing. We think it was a machete attack. Then flames blew out aside window and our pergola went up. We’ve got bad water pressure, so we grabbed the TV and I went in for POPS in the backroom and just wheeled him out in time before the whole lot exploded. It was beyond devastating.”

“Lucky no-one was taken by the fire.”

“Not so lucky was the mother-in-law – we couldn’t get her out.” “That’s truly shocking Ken. What’s the family doing for living quarters in the face of this tragedy?”

“It’s a difficult 1 – the owner wants to sue us because the pergola was an illegal addition. He said he is prepared to hire an Asylum Annex and halve the rent if we stay until the court case.” This is Suburbia Suburbia signing off from Green Acres where – ALL THE ROOFS ARE THE SAME. Next week we are up in Grafton – having been shortlisted for the Sutton Street Music Awards where we’ll be speaking with Clary from the hills about life after covers bands.